the Wild Woman

Great Start to My Day!

Our Breaking Point

So this past week, I reached my breaking point.

This constant guilt/nagging/anxiety I've been feeling lately isn't new. I've been feeling it for weeks - months, even. I'm not going to go terribly into my personal life, but suffice it to say I've always felt like I didn't deserve the things I have. And when I say the things I have, I mean the life I've been given. I don't mean to say that my life is far better than others, I just feel like I haven't deserved any of the blessings that have been sent my way, either from my family, or the universe in general. Why I've been feeling like this, I haven't got a clue - but it's been heavily weighing on my mind.

Ever since last summer, I've been job hunting. But as embarrassing as it is to admit as a 20 year old, I've never had a job before. Therefore a lot of places aren't willing to hire someone who doesn't have any experience. I scored an unpaid internship at a local venue in the fall and started volunteering at a local museum, too.

And while those were fun experiences, they weren't enough.

I needed an actual job - where I felt like I was doing something my life and earning my own pay check. Job application after job application kept rolling by, and last week, on Monday, I finally broke down.

I'm a Christian, but I'm not a regular church goer - I consider myself more spiritual than religious. And I do pray to myself  throughout my day, but I rarely stop everything that I'm doing to do so.

But that Monday, I broke down and spent hours in my room, weeping, praying - begging God to show me what to do with my life. To point me where to get a job, to give me the courage to go out and find that opportunity. And strange enough, the very next morning, as I went to the library after class to work on a project, I received an email from a a fast food restaurant requesting applicants to stop by a job fair for an on-the-spot interview.

It was random, unexpected, and my immediate response was no - I've never been interviewed, and I couldn't go to that career fair - I was far from prepared. I'd just have to wait for them to call me in for my own interview.

But the more I sat there, the more that weighing, nagging feeling returned. A voice inside me urged me, you need to go. Get off your butt and get your business outfit on - you have one. Use it! And you can score that interview, you just have to get there!

And then it was decided. I went to that interview with 20 minutes left to spare and got the job. And now, I feel like I have worth - that constant heavy, weighing feeling is gone, and more structure has come to my life. To me, of course, this experience has been labelled as a God thing, something my mother and I always refer to when God has reached into our lives.

But you don't have to be spiritual or religious to have reached your breaking point, like I did. And mine isn't radical or heart-wrenching - it's an ordinary moment belonging to an ordinary person, but to me, it was everything. We all will reach moments like that, where we feel lost and confused, where we want someone to just tell us where to go, or what we need to do to become who we want to be. But no matter how futile or bleak your situation may be, it will always turn around  - usually when we least expect it. But the point is to never give up, never stop chasing your dreams in search of that gold at the end of the rainbow. To get where you want to be may require you to do things out of your comfort - to try new things, but reaching out in ways such as this are not always bad - more often they're for the better! Don't be afraid of taking chances, and when you get an opportunity to get a step closer to where you want to be, don't let fear keep you from trying!

Beautifully Written

Positive thoughts!

Religion vs Spirituality

Often people don't understand the difference between religion and spirituality; usually, they think they're the same. And that's fine, but I personally see them different. There can be connection, of course, but there is a difference. I consider myself more spiritual than religious, and I'll explain why.

I'm a Christian, born and raised, and I've chosen this faith even after maturing and realizing that it's my own individual freedom to choose what to believe in. I see fellow Christians, in churches especially, who blindly follow scriptures from the bible and will be 'good' because the words say to be good. I'm the kind of person who yes, reads scriptures, but often disagrees with some of them - and often more unable to fathom them. What I'm trying to express is that instead of wanting to be good, for the sake of being good, Christians will often choose to do good out of fear of going to Hell, or because the rules say they have to be good.

I stray from that notion because I don't 100% agree with what's written down; I question the words, mainly because they were written by man, and the Bible itself is a piece of literature like anything else, so its context must be taken into consideration. It's composed mostly of contradictions and figurative language; a lot of it is based on interpretation. Thus is why if a piece of literature says it's alright to stone, say, someone who has had sex with every guy in town, I will disagree because it's my personal freedom to do so. To me, spirituality is the notion of my relationship with the universe; the striving to do good because I want to do good, not because a book tells me to do so, or a priest. Spirituality is everything apart from religion; religion tells you what to do and what not to do, and spirituality is something embedded inside all of us from which carries out how we make choices and how we perceive things. Consequently, religion are the rules - spirituality is our individual tranquility.

Please don't confuse this with bashing Christianity, or religion in general, because it's not. Spirituality is with everything and everyone - Jewish, Islam, Christians, even atheists; it's our own moral standards, our own believes between what's right and what's wrong. Our convictions, to think for ourselves, to follow our own hearts. Everyone has that, some just choose to ignore it, or feed the darker side of us more than to hear it. And I'll leave you with this:

A Quote by Cherokee Indian

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."